Here is to ENDINGS and NEW BEGINNINGS

Over the past month and a half things in my life have been extremely rough.  I feel as though all of my hopes and dreams have been shattered.  There is nothing more that I want then to be a wife, and a mother.  I have anxiously waited for my turn.  I thought I finally had it in the bag, and then everything seems to be taken away from me.  It all started when I received a call from my Trainer who stated that she thinks Clayton was cheating on me.  I couldn't allow myself to believe it.  I  honestly didn't think that he would do that to me again especially after all we had been through together.  So I got in my car and decided that I needed to go and talk to him.  I made it to the exit in Center Street in Orem when I realized that I needed a blessing.  So I called Logan and went to his house.  I was a wreck.  Was this really happening again?  Logan and Chase gave me an amazing blessing.  At the end of the blessing Logan paused and then said, "Heavenly Father loves you, and wants you to know that you will be a Wife and a Mother." That is exactly what I needed to hear. I had so much peace, and knew that everything was going to be okay.  I knew that whether or not Clayton and I got married that I would have the opportunity to be the Wife and Mother that I desire to be.  I ended up calling Clayton and confronting him about it over the phone.  He told me that they were just friends, and that they have only talked and he has run into her a couple of times.  To this day I will never know if he was telling me the truth.  Sadly,  I think he was cheating on me.  After that night everything changed in our relationship.  We ended up going to dinner a couple of night after that, and he told me that he wasn't Happy, and hasn't really been happy except for a couple of times.  He wouldn't tell me how to make him happy, or what needed to change because he felt like if it was supposed to work then we should already know and do those things.  I really disagree with that.  As a missionary I was taught that you work things through, you tell your companion what they need to work on, and you help them to be better.  You work on your companionship every single day.  With Clayton it was the exact opposite.  At times I felt like he was just trying to get out of it.  He was trying to get me to break up with him.  It ended with him wanting me to take some time to think about our relationship.  Talk about a knife in the chest hearing that someone who you love and wanted to marry isn't happy, and wasn't really willing to do what it took to be happy.  So I took a couple days and really prayed about what I wanted.  I went and talked with him on Sunday and told him that I was willing to do whatever it took to make this work.  I poured out my heart and told him how much I loved him.  He told me that he wasn't willing to change that this was his life, and if I didn't like it then we shouldn't be together.  He told me that the Farm comes first because when he puts the farm first he is putting his future family first.  My heart ached as I sat there in frustration.  In the Celestial World none of that will matter.  What matters is your FAMILY.  That night I realized that I wasn't worth fighting for. Here I loved someone so much, and was willing to do whatever it took to make things work, and he wasn't willing to do the same.  All of the questions came flooding back in my mind.  Why wasn't I worth it, what is wrong with me, why can't I be loved, why can't someone fight for me, why can't I have happiness, why do I have to go through this all over again, WHY, WHY, WHY.  I will probably never know the answers to those questions.  We left that day saying the same thing as we did at dinner.  He told me that this was his life, and I needed to decide if I wanted to be a part of it.  So again I took some more time to think of it.  As the days went by he became more and more distant.  I was ready to talk to him, but he just kept pushing it off.  He kept telling me oh we will talk tomorrow, and then something would come up.  Or he would text me super late, and expect me to drive clear down to Payson to talk to him.  Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into a month.  Finally I just couldn't take it anymore. I was miserable.  I couldn't even function anymore.  I was depressed, sad, lonely, confused, angry, pissed off, humbled, and lost.  Finally I decided that I had to move on with my life.  I had to let go.  If I wasn't worth talking to then why would I ever want to be with someone like that.  So I decided to write him a letter, and drop it off at his house.  This is the letter I wrote.

Clayton,

I was hoping that it wouldn't have to get to this point, but I am not quite sure what else to do. I tried to talk to you for almost a month, and I have finally realized that it is time to move on with my life. I have been through the grieving process. I had a week where I cried myself to sleep every night, the next week I was so angry, and then I became numb with no emotion. I can't live my life like this. I deserve better. So I can't wait any longer to talk to you, but I wanted you to know how I feel. I want you to know how much I do love you. I wish that things could be different and that we could have made it work, but through many prayers, and guidance Heavenly Father has allowed me to see that we are not meant for each other. We have been through so much together. You have helped me to become who I need to be. You have taught me the importance of service and doing all you can to serve those around you. You have taught me the importance of fighting for your dreams even when it seems impossible and hard. You have taught me the importance of always sharing your testimony and living what you believe. You have taught me that the gospel always comes first. You have taught me to strive everyday to be better then you were the day before. You have taught me to always focus on the positive and look for the good in people. You have taught me the importance of working hard. You have taught me that life is too short to not be enjoyed with those that you love. You have been a blessing in my life, and have made me want to be a better person. I am grateful for the good and the hard that we have gone through. I know that we were supposed to be together and experience these things together, and to learn from one another. Sadly, it has to come to an end. I wish things could be different and that we could just ignore the hardships, and focus on all of the good. Sadly life doesn't work that way.

We both deserve to be happy. We both deserve to be crazy in love with someone. I want someone to fight for me. I want someone to be crazy in love with me, and not be able to live without me. I want to be someones partner that they want them to be apart of there every day life. This past month I have realized that I am not worth the fight to you. If I was we would have talked the next night. I understand that your life has been extremely busy, and all of this happened at the worst timing, but in my eyes it couldn't have happened at a better time. It has helped me to see what truly is important and that is family. In the eternities we won't have all of the work and hassle of everyday life, but we will have our family, and to me that is worth fighting for. That is worth doing everything that you possibly can do to make it work and to work through the hard times even when it seems impossible, and when the timing is not the greatest. If we can't work through this now how would we ever be able to work through this 10 years into marriage when we have kids and things are even harder then they were before. If I was worth marrying to you then you would have done everything in your power to make this work, and not push off talking to me.

This past month has been one of the hardest months of my life, but also one of the biggest blessings. I have witnessed so many miracles and have literally felt Christ carrying me. For a week straight I literally cried myself to sleep every night. I kept questioning why I wasn't good enough. What was wrong with me. Why I wasn't worth fighting for. I had zero confidence in myself and who I was. A sweet missionary that I served with told me that my name kept coming to her mind and she knew that I needed to listen to this song. She sent me the link and it was all about being great in Gods eyes. At that moment I realized that I was worth something. I may not be good enough for you, but in Gods eyes I am worth it. I began to understand what the Atonement truly was, and the enabling power of the atonement. For the first time in weeks I didn't feel alone, but felt more love then I have probably felt since my mission. At times it was very overwhelming. I had so many random people text me inspirational quotes and telling me that they had no idea why they were sending me it. I knew that God was looking out for me, and he needed me to know that I am never alone, and he is always aware of my struggles. This helped me realize that I needed to live up to the covenants that I have made. I knew that I needed to change. I needed to be the daughter of God that he needed me to be. In order to do that I needed to repent. You and I made some mistakes and pushed things way to far. I kept trying to justify it all, but knew that in order for me to have the spirit with me I needed to take care of it. This is another reason why I so badly wanted to talk to you. I ended up meeting with the bishop. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, and one of the most humbling experiences. I truly realized what the Atonement was all about. I never in my life would have thought that I would have to meet with my bishop. It was heart breaking to think of the pain I put the Savior through when I knew better, but I quickly realized that the Savior still has a perfect love for me. He knows my heart and he knows my intent. All of the grief and pain I felt was quickly removed from me. I finally felt whole again. I felt very relieved and very blessed. I knew that at that moment I saw what truly is important and that is pure love and not physical love. I wouldn't take back the mistakes that we made because I never would have been able to truly understand the atonement and the healing power it gives us. I came to understand and feel how Christ really does take all of our sins upon him, and once we repent they are removed. I left the bishops office with a complete burden being lifted from me. I felt pure, and clean, and most importantly I knew that God loved me even through the mistakes that I made. I have the spirit fully back in my life. I am at peace again. My bishop encouraged me to talk to you about it, and also encouraged you to talk with your bishop as well. I wish that we could have talked about that in person, and I hope that you are not upset with me about this, but it wouldn't be true repentance unless I talked to you about it. I am sorry that I wasn't stronger, and added to the temptation. I am sorry that I put us both in situations where we were tempted to do things that we knew we shouldn't have. I hope that you will forgive me.

Clayton I hope that you can find what you are seeking for in a spouse. You deserve the very best. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be with someone that you literally can't live without. You deserve someone to bring out the best in you, and help you to be the person that you are supposed to be. I wish that I could be that person for you, but God has something else in store for both of us. We both deserve better.

I want you to know how sorry I am that I couldn't give you what you needed and be who you needed me to be in this relationship. I was not perfect, and there are so many things that I could have done better to meet your needs. I could write out all of the things that I did wrong, but it would be too long. I am grateful for the good times that we have had. In my eyes there have been many great times. I will cherish those times and hold onto them forever. You will always have a special place in my heart. I will always love you! I wish you the best. I hope that you will find what you are looking for, and most importantly that you will be happy because that is what you deserve, and that is what God wants for you. I wish that I could have told you this all in person, but for me I have to move on. I can't pretend that nothing has happened and keep pushing it aside and not talking about it. I felt like we had plenty of opportunities to talk and work through this. It is time to be Jordyn again, and allow myself to be happy again. I hope that you will forgive me, and that you can be happy!! My intention was never to hurt you. I hope you realize how incredible you truly are. You are going to make someone so happy one day. They will be very lucky!!!

Jordyn

As I dropped of the letter I felt so much peace.  I realized that I did make the right decision until I received a call from him wanting to talk to me.  I asked if he had been home, and he hadn't.  I told him that I wrote him a letter, and it was waiting for him when he got home.  He said that he would rather talk to me.  He ended up coming to pick me up and we were able to talk. He apologized for everything, and told me everything that I wanted to hear.  He told me that he loved me, and wanted to make things work.  He said that he was willing to do whatever it takes to fix things.  How many times have I heard this same speech.  How many promises have I been made.  I left that night being confused as ever.  I truly did love him, and wanted it to work, but when it all came down to it he was never going to change.  He would have changed for a little while, but then gone right back to life.  I took a good week and really prayed to figure out what I was supposed to do.  We met up again, and I just told him that I couldn't do it.  I needed to date other people.  I told him we could still date, but he said he wasn't willing to do that.  He said it wasn't fair to any of us or the people we were dating.  I explained to him that I can't trust that things will change.  It was probably the hardest night of my life.  He told me that he loved me, and was not giving up on us.  He said he would be there when I was ready.  He told me that he will always be there for me, and to never hesitate to call if I needed anything.  Saying goodbye was extremely hard.  I didn't want to let go.  Did I just make the wrong decision.  I cried myself to sleep that night, and the next day questioned my decision.  We continued to text throughout the next couple of days.  He was very short with me, and most of the time he never responded.  One day I woke up, and felt more peace then I had in a long time.  That day I realized I did make the right decision.  I deserve soooo much better. I deserve someone to fight for me.  I deserve someone who LOVES and ADORES me, and that is NOT CLAYTON.  From that moment on it was like the biggest boulder was lifted from my shoulders.  I was able to breath again, and most importantly I was myself again.  My family kept telling me over and over that Jordyn was finally back.  I know that it was the Atonement bearing me up.  I gained such a strong testimony of the Atonement.  The Savior truly does take upon all of our burdens, and he carries us along, and that is exactly what he did for me.  I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me.  I have to trust that I will one day be able to get married, and be a Wife and a Mother like he has promised.  Until that day comes I have to be happy and find the joys in life.  I have so much to be grateful for, and so much to look forward too.  Life is hard, and that is one trial I pray I never have to go through again, but I am grateful for the things that it taught me, and for the obstacles that I was able to overcome.  Here is to NEW BEGINNINGS!!

Bishop's Storehouse

The Bishop's Storehouse is one of my favorite traditions with the Whittaker Clan.  There is nothing greater then being together and serving our church.  It is such a testimony builder for me to see all that our church does for not just our members, but for anyone in need.  It helps me to realize that this truly is Christ's church, and we are striving to become like him.  I am grateful for a family who is striving to do the same thing as well.  They truly make me want to be better.  I am also grateful for all that I have.  For my home, and the shelter it provides, and for the food that is always on the table.  I am truly blessed.  We had a great night!!

Talon Returns Home

I can't believe Talon is already home.  I remember writing him in the mission when he first went out, and now he is home.  I couldn't help but cry when he came down the escalator. It brought back so many memories. I remember just coming home, and being ready to concur the world.   I remember how I felt as a missionary, and being blessed with wearing the Savior's tag on my chest every day.  My mission was such a blessing.  I miss it everyday.  Talon looked amazing.  He had such an amazing light about him.  He returned with Honor and I couldn't be more proud of him. 

Moses Baptism

Something that I admire about Clayton is that he is always willing to share his testimony with whoever he comes in contact with.  He lives what he believes and he wants others to have the happiness that he receives from the gospel.

Moses started to work for them a couple of months ago.  Clayton started telling him what we believed. He then gave him a Book of Mormon, asked him to go to church with him, and then set him up with the missionaries.  Moses was a Golden investigator.  He was so ready for the gospel.  Moses got baptized today.  It was such an incredible day, and I am so grateful that I was able to be apart of it.  It brought back so many memories from the mission, and helped me to see the importance of continuing to share our testimonies so that others can have what we have.  I am so grateful for the gospel and for the peace that it brings to me.  I am grateful for Clayton's example and for his love for the Gospel.  Today was a great day!!! 

Painting

This picture pretty much sums up our whole relationship.  I tend to start things, but can never finish them and get dominated.  He definitely knows how to make me laugh, and most importantly provides a good time.  If you notice he has no paint on him, but me on the other hand have it all over me including my hair.  You would think that I would learn.  

Garth Brooks Concert

I have always wanted to go to see Garth Brooks in concert.  It has definitely been on my bucket list.  Getting tickets to see him was definitely insane.  I got online at 9:00 and got put on a waiting list.  Then at 10:00 I got in to the system for Saturday night. Clayton's sister and sister in laws were all on as well trying to get tickets for all of us.  So I finally got on, but didn't realize that it was timing me until I had two minutes left to add all my information in, and also check with everybody to make sure they wanted the tickets.  It was so intense.  I had so much adrenaline, and was literally shacking so bad, but luckily we got tickets.  We ended up getting really good seats as well.  

Garth was everything that I possibly imagined and more.  Who would have thought that he was in his 50s by the way he moved around on the stage.  I didn't realize how many of his songs that I knew either.  He played all of his old classics.  

I love Clay's family.  They were literally crazy at the concert, but they were so much fun and kept us laughing the whole time.  Surprisingly I was very mellow at the concert, but still had one heck of a time.  I have been to a lot of concerts in my day, and this was definitely the best concert that I have ever been too.  

Sadly the concert didn't end as I would have wanted it too.  We got to the car and there car had been broken into, and my purse was gone.  I thought that it was fine because the windows were tinted and so I left my purse under the seat.  This was definitely the worst mistake I could have made.  I have never felt so stupid in my whole life especially because we were in Clayton's sisters car.  I have also never felt so alone in my whole life, and felt so numb.  They all kept telling me that it was fine and to not worry about it, but how do you not worry about something like that?  How do you not worry when you just caused someones car to be thrashed.  It was the worst feeling in the world, but what made it even worse was the moment I realized that I had my flash drive in my purse that had my mission journal and also all of my mission pictures.  I was devasted, and so sad.  My mission meant the world to me.  It literally changed me, and everything that I felt and experienced was on those precious flash drives.  I didn't care about the money or anything else.  None of that mattered, but those flash drives were priceless and not replaceable. I literally cried for 2 days straight.  I have never prayed so hard to find something before. Heavenly Father answered my prayer, but he didn't answer it in the way that I wanted.  I got my purse back, but the flash drives were gone.  I received a call from a man who said that he had found my purse in a bush.  Talk about a miracle. I learned a very important lesson.  I learned that God loves us more then we could possibly imagine.  He hears our prayers, and is aware of our struggles, but that doesn't mean that he will answer them in the way that we ask.  He sees the bigger picture and knows what we need to help us learn and grow even though it can be hard to go through.  I hope and pray that those flash drives will come to use one day.  I hope that someone who truly needs to hear my testimony will come in contact with them, and God will be able to use them for the better.  I am also grateful for how loving Clayton's Sister and Brother in Law were.  I am sure deep down they were angry and frustrated with me, but all they showed me was pure love which I was very grateful for.  They are huge examples to me. 

Pumpkin Carving

Gege and Pops annual pumpkin carving is one of my favorite traditions.  I am glad that Clayton was able to come and experience it with our family even though he made me do most of it.  Wyatt was a lot of fun to watch, he loved carving pumpkins.  Jaxon also carried on the Jordyn/Devyn tradition and made his pumpkin paper thin.  I am just glad that it wasn't me this time.  There is never a dull moment with us. I am so grateful for my grandparents.  They do so much for us, and are such great examples of love and service.  Thanks for the fun night Gege and Pop.  

Logan and Eddy get engaged

Logan and Eddy got engaged.  I have never seen my brother so happy before.  He has found someone perfect for him.  They got engaged after they had dated for 5 months.  We love Eddy and are so excited for her to be apart of our family.  I am so excited for them even though they beat me to the punch.  Seeing as this is my journal I will be honest in how I feel.  Hearing that they got engaged was very hard.  I was extremely jealous.  Clayton and I have been dating for quite some time, and he has told me numerous times that we would get married, but nothing has happened.  We were supposed to get married on September 25.  I had the temple set and everything.  I understand that timing is perfect, but sometimes I get really tired of being patient, and watching everybody else get married and fall in love.  I guess I need to learn more patience and pray that one day it will get to be me.  Which I do trust that Heavenly Father will allow me to be happy as well.  I just need to have more faith, and trust in his plan.  I am however very happy for them, and so excited for my Brother.  I love him more then anything. He truly is my best friend, and couldn't have asked for a better brother.  

Kirbs in having a baby!!!!

I can't believe this girl is having a baby.  We were able to go up to Idaho to go to her Baby Shower.  She is going to be an incredible mom I mean she had to deal with me on the mission as her companion so she can pretty much do anything now.  This girl has taught me so much, and I will forever be grateful for the part that she has played in my life. Ellie is one lucky baby to have her as a mother.   

This picture explains how much I love these Sisters.  I never could have dreamed of having so many best friends who love me for me, and who can make me laugh harder then anyone else.  Heavenly Father knew that I needed them. They will stick by me through it all.  

Camping over conference weekend

Over Conference weekend the Becksteads went camping up at Strawberry.  We were able to watch conference up in Gods beautiful mountains.  It was such a fun weekend.  Growing up my family went camping all the time, but since we have gotten older we have not gone as much.  Clayton and I spent the past week getting his trailer all ready.  It was so fun to be able to do together, and talk about trips that we would take together in the future.  It was also a lot of fun to get to spend time with his whole family.  I am so grateful for them.  They have accepted me and treated me like I am already a part of the family.  I truly do love them, and am excited for many more camping trips together.   

It was absolutely beautiful up there and so peaceful.   

Clay was quite the Chef.  He pretty much cooked everything for us.  I was very impressed.  He definitely won brownie points for me. 

This was definitely a highlight to the trip.  Clayton bought this little motorcycle that is such a blast.  Well we all decided to go on a ride in between conferences.  We were short a fourwheeler, and so Clay and I rode his little motorcycle the whole time.  I was literally falling off the whole time, but it was such a blast.  I think I laughed the whole time.  There is never a dull moment with Clayton.  

I truly do love this boy, and am so grateful for the fun memories that we share together.  He really does bring out the best in me. 

Samuels Wedding

My baby got married today.  Words can't describe how much I love this girl.  She truly changed my life, and I learned so much from her.  Who knew that a mission could bless me with so many best friends.  I am so happy that she met her prince charming.  Colten also served with us.  Out of 7 of my companions 4 of them married someone from the mission.  Kind of crazy!!  

Being able to be in there sealing was something that I will never forget.  I was able to sit next to my Mission mom and all I felt was pure love.  I quickly realized that this is what the Celestial Kingdom will be like a room filled with all of those that we love.  Families truly are eternal, and the Gospel is true.  I feel so blessed to be able to be with my family forever. 

Chambrey's Wedding

About a year ago I got a call from this girl in my ward named Chambrey.  I never could have imagined that we would become best friends.  Cham and I have been through so much together.  I was able to help her through some struggles that she was going through and she has also been able to help me overcome some trials I have faced.  She has taught me so much, especially patience and charity.  Today Cham got married.  She asked me to be a bridesmaid.  It was such a great day.  I am so grateful that I was able to be apart of it, and most importantly be at her sealing. The spirit was so strong, and it was such a testimony builder that families truly are eternal.  I am so proud of Cham.  She has come a long ways.  

This picture explains our relationship to a T

BYU GAME

The tradition lives on in our family with our annual season tickets.  Each year we seem to get more and more tickets.  BYU played Boise State.  Let's just say they did not disappoint.  Within two minutes of the game starting they scored there first touchdown.  With 4 minutes left on the clock they were down 10 pts.  They ended up scoring a touchdown, and catching an interception to score another touchdown.  I have never heard the stadium so loud before.  It was an incredible game.  We all left without a voice.  It was definitely a night that we won't forget.  Go Cougs

Memorial Day Camping

Growing up my family would go camping all the time.  We loved every second of it, and have really missed it.  Every year we say that we are going to go, but we never can make it work.  Well this year we committed to go.  It started out a little rocky and we wondered if we were supposed to go, but we quickly realized that Heavenly Father is always in the details.... We had to go and set up camp on Wednesday to reserve our spot for the weekend.  So Shea and mom went up.  Dad slept there by himself the first night.  We went back up on Friday to stay the night and our spot was taken, and out tents were nowhere to be found.  Mom and Dad went at it with the lady.  She was a little crazy.  Finally they went to the Park Manager and worked it out for us to get a spot the next day.  So we slept at home that night.  Kyles parents giant tree had fallen down during the night so because we were home we were able to go and help them with it during the day.  It was quite the process.  Finally at 1:00 we headed to our camp site.  We had an incredible spot that was tucked away from everyone.  It was beautiful.  So because we didn't get our spot we were able to help Kyle's parents, we only had to pay $8 instead of almost $300, and we got a beautiful spot.  So it was all worth it.  

We went on a jeep ride after we set up our camp.  It was a blast.  We went on a really narrow trail that led to a beautiful view.  

 Logan is dating the girl named "Eddie".  I have never seen my brother so happy.  She is darling.  Now let's just hope he doesn't get engaged before me.  The rate we are going though I am just going to have to get over the fact that he will be married before me.  

I am so grateful for these two and for making this weekend happen.  I am truly blessed to have amazing parents who support me, love me, and are always there for me.  I don't know what I would do without them. 

 

Easton was definitely my buddy this trip.  We jammed out in the back of the jeep and snuggled up because it was so freezing.  He definitely knows how to put a smile on my face.  Love this little bro of mine.  

I am so glad that these two were able to come up and spend Sunday night with us sitting by the camp fire.  They are as good as they come. Pop still dominates everyone at checkers.  Easton came pretty close to beating him.  It brought back a lot of memories.  

There is just something about sitting around the campfire.  We were able to have some really good gospel discussions, talk about the fun memories we have had, talk about J that we miss so much, let off some blue darts(Kyle), and just enjoy God's creation. 

 You can't go camping without Pop's wagon.  It brought back so many fun memories of camping with Pop and Gege.  We found a really fun hill to go down that we would fly down.  Wyatt loved his first experience on the wagon.  

We even went on some night rides

We were supposed to go and Hike Timp Mountain.  I am not going to lie I was dreading the idea of hiking it.  It has always been on my mom's bucket list and so we decided to support her and do it.  Well after realizing how cold it was going to be at 2 in the morning we decided to wait and do it when J get's home.  I can't even tell you how relieved I was.  We decided to go on a smaller hike instead so Wyatt could come with us.  Even though it wasn't as pretty as Timp it was fun to be together as a family. 

Our camping trip was definitely a success.  I hope that it is the start to many more adventures together.  While camping I realized that family is everything to me.  I realized that I can't live my life without them.  I realized how much they love me, and simply want what's best for me.  I am so blessed to have them in my life.  Thanks for the fun weekend FAM.