Here is to ENDINGS and NEW BEGINNINGS

Over the past month and a half things in my life have been extremely rough.  I feel as though all of my hopes and dreams have been shattered.  There is nothing more that I want then to be a wife, and a mother.  I have anxiously waited for my turn.  I thought I finally had it in the bag, and then everything seems to be taken away from me.  It all started when I received a call from my Trainer who stated that she thinks Clayton was cheating on me.  I couldn't allow myself to believe it.  I  honestly didn't think that he would do that to me again especially after all we had been through together.  So I got in my car and decided that I needed to go and talk to him.  I made it to the exit in Center Street in Orem when I realized that I needed a blessing.  So I called Logan and went to his house.  I was a wreck.  Was this really happening again?  Logan and Chase gave me an amazing blessing.  At the end of the blessing Logan paused and then said, "Heavenly Father loves you, and wants you to know that you will be a Wife and a Mother." That is exactly what I needed to hear. I had so much peace, and knew that everything was going to be okay.  I knew that whether or not Clayton and I got married that I would have the opportunity to be the Wife and Mother that I desire to be.  I ended up calling Clayton and confronting him about it over the phone.  He told me that they were just friends, and that they have only talked and he has run into her a couple of times.  To this day I will never know if he was telling me the truth.  Sadly,  I think he was cheating on me.  After that night everything changed in our relationship.  We ended up going to dinner a couple of night after that, and he told me that he wasn't Happy, and hasn't really been happy except for a couple of times.  He wouldn't tell me how to make him happy, or what needed to change because he felt like if it was supposed to work then we should already know and do those things.  I really disagree with that.  As a missionary I was taught that you work things through, you tell your companion what they need to work on, and you help them to be better.  You work on your companionship every single day.  With Clayton it was the exact opposite.  At times I felt like he was just trying to get out of it.  He was trying to get me to break up with him.  It ended with him wanting me to take some time to think about our relationship.  Talk about a knife in the chest hearing that someone who you love and wanted to marry isn't happy, and wasn't really willing to do what it took to be happy.  So I took a couple days and really prayed about what I wanted.  I went and talked with him on Sunday and told him that I was willing to do whatever it took to make this work.  I poured out my heart and told him how much I loved him.  He told me that he wasn't willing to change that this was his life, and if I didn't like it then we shouldn't be together.  He told me that the Farm comes first because when he puts the farm first he is putting his future family first.  My heart ached as I sat there in frustration.  In the Celestial World none of that will matter.  What matters is your FAMILY.  That night I realized that I wasn't worth fighting for. Here I loved someone so much, and was willing to do whatever it took to make things work, and he wasn't willing to do the same.  All of the questions came flooding back in my mind.  Why wasn't I worth it, what is wrong with me, why can't I be loved, why can't someone fight for me, why can't I have happiness, why do I have to go through this all over again, WHY, WHY, WHY.  I will probably never know the answers to those questions.  We left that day saying the same thing as we did at dinner.  He told me that this was his life, and I needed to decide if I wanted to be a part of it.  So again I took some more time to think of it.  As the days went by he became more and more distant.  I was ready to talk to him, but he just kept pushing it off.  He kept telling me oh we will talk tomorrow, and then something would come up.  Or he would text me super late, and expect me to drive clear down to Payson to talk to him.  Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into a month.  Finally I just couldn't take it anymore. I was miserable.  I couldn't even function anymore.  I was depressed, sad, lonely, confused, angry, pissed off, humbled, and lost.  Finally I decided that I had to move on with my life.  I had to let go.  If I wasn't worth talking to then why would I ever want to be with someone like that.  So I decided to write him a letter, and drop it off at his house.  This is the letter I wrote.

Clayton,

I was hoping that it wouldn't have to get to this point, but I am not quite sure what else to do. I tried to talk to you for almost a month, and I have finally realized that it is time to move on with my life. I have been through the grieving process. I had a week where I cried myself to sleep every night, the next week I was so angry, and then I became numb with no emotion. I can't live my life like this. I deserve better. So I can't wait any longer to talk to you, but I wanted you to know how I feel. I want you to know how much I do love you. I wish that things could be different and that we could have made it work, but through many prayers, and guidance Heavenly Father has allowed me to see that we are not meant for each other. We have been through so much together. You have helped me to become who I need to be. You have taught me the importance of service and doing all you can to serve those around you. You have taught me the importance of fighting for your dreams even when it seems impossible and hard. You have taught me the importance of always sharing your testimony and living what you believe. You have taught me that the gospel always comes first. You have taught me to strive everyday to be better then you were the day before. You have taught me to always focus on the positive and look for the good in people. You have taught me the importance of working hard. You have taught me that life is too short to not be enjoyed with those that you love. You have been a blessing in my life, and have made me want to be a better person. I am grateful for the good and the hard that we have gone through. I know that we were supposed to be together and experience these things together, and to learn from one another. Sadly, it has to come to an end. I wish things could be different and that we could just ignore the hardships, and focus on all of the good. Sadly life doesn't work that way.

We both deserve to be happy. We both deserve to be crazy in love with someone. I want someone to fight for me. I want someone to be crazy in love with me, and not be able to live without me. I want to be someones partner that they want them to be apart of there every day life. This past month I have realized that I am not worth the fight to you. If I was we would have talked the next night. I understand that your life has been extremely busy, and all of this happened at the worst timing, but in my eyes it couldn't have happened at a better time. It has helped me to see what truly is important and that is family. In the eternities we won't have all of the work and hassle of everyday life, but we will have our family, and to me that is worth fighting for. That is worth doing everything that you possibly can do to make it work and to work through the hard times even when it seems impossible, and when the timing is not the greatest. If we can't work through this now how would we ever be able to work through this 10 years into marriage when we have kids and things are even harder then they were before. If I was worth marrying to you then you would have done everything in your power to make this work, and not push off talking to me.

This past month has been one of the hardest months of my life, but also one of the biggest blessings. I have witnessed so many miracles and have literally felt Christ carrying me. For a week straight I literally cried myself to sleep every night. I kept questioning why I wasn't good enough. What was wrong with me. Why I wasn't worth fighting for. I had zero confidence in myself and who I was. A sweet missionary that I served with told me that my name kept coming to her mind and she knew that I needed to listen to this song. She sent me the link and it was all about being great in Gods eyes. At that moment I realized that I was worth something. I may not be good enough for you, but in Gods eyes I am worth it. I began to understand what the Atonement truly was, and the enabling power of the atonement. For the first time in weeks I didn't feel alone, but felt more love then I have probably felt since my mission. At times it was very overwhelming. I had so many random people text me inspirational quotes and telling me that they had no idea why they were sending me it. I knew that God was looking out for me, and he needed me to know that I am never alone, and he is always aware of my struggles. This helped me realize that I needed to live up to the covenants that I have made. I knew that I needed to change. I needed to be the daughter of God that he needed me to be. In order to do that I needed to repent. You and I made some mistakes and pushed things way to far. I kept trying to justify it all, but knew that in order for me to have the spirit with me I needed to take care of it. This is another reason why I so badly wanted to talk to you. I ended up meeting with the bishop. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, and one of the most humbling experiences. I truly realized what the Atonement was all about. I never in my life would have thought that I would have to meet with my bishop. It was heart breaking to think of the pain I put the Savior through when I knew better, but I quickly realized that the Savior still has a perfect love for me. He knows my heart and he knows my intent. All of the grief and pain I felt was quickly removed from me. I finally felt whole again. I felt very relieved and very blessed. I knew that at that moment I saw what truly is important and that is pure love and not physical love. I wouldn't take back the mistakes that we made because I never would have been able to truly understand the atonement and the healing power it gives us. I came to understand and feel how Christ really does take all of our sins upon him, and once we repent they are removed. I left the bishops office with a complete burden being lifted from me. I felt pure, and clean, and most importantly I knew that God loved me even through the mistakes that I made. I have the spirit fully back in my life. I am at peace again. My bishop encouraged me to talk to you about it, and also encouraged you to talk with your bishop as well. I wish that we could have talked about that in person, and I hope that you are not upset with me about this, but it wouldn't be true repentance unless I talked to you about it. I am sorry that I wasn't stronger, and added to the temptation. I am sorry that I put us both in situations where we were tempted to do things that we knew we shouldn't have. I hope that you will forgive me.

Clayton I hope that you can find what you are seeking for in a spouse. You deserve the very best. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be with someone that you literally can't live without. You deserve someone to bring out the best in you, and help you to be the person that you are supposed to be. I wish that I could be that person for you, but God has something else in store for both of us. We both deserve better.

I want you to know how sorry I am that I couldn't give you what you needed and be who you needed me to be in this relationship. I was not perfect, and there are so many things that I could have done better to meet your needs. I could write out all of the things that I did wrong, but it would be too long. I am grateful for the good times that we have had. In my eyes there have been many great times. I will cherish those times and hold onto them forever. You will always have a special place in my heart. I will always love you! I wish you the best. I hope that you will find what you are looking for, and most importantly that you will be happy because that is what you deserve, and that is what God wants for you. I wish that I could have told you this all in person, but for me I have to move on. I can't pretend that nothing has happened and keep pushing it aside and not talking about it. I felt like we had plenty of opportunities to talk and work through this. It is time to be Jordyn again, and allow myself to be happy again. I hope that you will forgive me, and that you can be happy!! My intention was never to hurt you. I hope you realize how incredible you truly are. You are going to make someone so happy one day. They will be very lucky!!!

Jordyn

As I dropped of the letter I felt so much peace.  I realized that I did make the right decision until I received a call from him wanting to talk to me.  I asked if he had been home, and he hadn't.  I told him that I wrote him a letter, and it was waiting for him when he got home.  He said that he would rather talk to me.  He ended up coming to pick me up and we were able to talk. He apologized for everything, and told me everything that I wanted to hear.  He told me that he loved me, and wanted to make things work.  He said that he was willing to do whatever it takes to fix things.  How many times have I heard this same speech.  How many promises have I been made.  I left that night being confused as ever.  I truly did love him, and wanted it to work, but when it all came down to it he was never going to change.  He would have changed for a little while, but then gone right back to life.  I took a good week and really prayed to figure out what I was supposed to do.  We met up again, and I just told him that I couldn't do it.  I needed to date other people.  I told him we could still date, but he said he wasn't willing to do that.  He said it wasn't fair to any of us or the people we were dating.  I explained to him that I can't trust that things will change.  It was probably the hardest night of my life.  He told me that he loved me, and was not giving up on us.  He said he would be there when I was ready.  He told me that he will always be there for me, and to never hesitate to call if I needed anything.  Saying goodbye was extremely hard.  I didn't want to let go.  Did I just make the wrong decision.  I cried myself to sleep that night, and the next day questioned my decision.  We continued to text throughout the next couple of days.  He was very short with me, and most of the time he never responded.  One day I woke up, and felt more peace then I had in a long time.  That day I realized I did make the right decision.  I deserve soooo much better. I deserve someone to fight for me.  I deserve someone who LOVES and ADORES me, and that is NOT CLAYTON.  From that moment on it was like the biggest boulder was lifted from my shoulders.  I was able to breath again, and most importantly I was myself again.  My family kept telling me over and over that Jordyn was finally back.  I know that it was the Atonement bearing me up.  I gained such a strong testimony of the Atonement.  The Savior truly does take upon all of our burdens, and he carries us along, and that is exactly what he did for me.  I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me.  I have to trust that I will one day be able to get married, and be a Wife and a Mother like he has promised.  Until that day comes I have to be happy and find the joys in life.  I have so much to be grateful for, and so much to look forward too.  Life is hard, and that is one trial I pray I never have to go through again, but I am grateful for the things that it taught me, and for the obstacles that I was able to overcome.  Here is to NEW BEGINNINGS!!